now this is my first time using single post in blog section, let’s see how it goes…
This essay is a journey of self-discovery contained in a meager two thousand-something words. As you read you will watch me discover, then re-discover the concept of identity. As you read, you will watch me discover my identity. Along the way, you might be influenced to begin your own journey of self-discovery. Strap yourselves in, and all that. We’re about to take off.
Whenever I hear the word facet, I inevitably think of a polished gemstone in the light: smooth, glittering, each side a different color. This is also (conveniently) how I think of myself when asked the question “who are you?” The answer differs depending on who is asking. I believe that while identity is important, it is also fluid. My identity, the way I view myself, the image that I consciously project out into the world, changes based on who I am around. Your identity comprises who you are; we are undoubtedly different around different people. You wouldn’t act the same way around your mother as you do your childhood friend. Nevertheless, a person’s identity is still a very important concept. It is often heavily stressed in Western media that a person has a strong sense of who they are.
I did not have a strong sense of who I was.
While reflecting on what I planned to write (or, furiously scrunching up my nose and scowling at myself in the mirror, thinking, who am I? Why is it so difficult to answer this question?) I realized that while faceted identities are completely normal, many of my facets may not accurately reflect who I truly am. By my own inhibition, I am not as I seem. I am unsure when it began, my desire to please everyone. To be liked by everyone. To make everyone happy. Nor can I place a finger on the origins of my fear of vulnerability. My fear of opening myself up to someone, of showing them my soul in all its complex vibrancy and being rejected. Neither are obsessive. Neither are all-consuming. But these insecurities exist within me and as a result of the following combination: wishing to be liked and fearing rejection, I am a facade. Not terribly so. But I always try my best to be whatever anyone else needs. At the expense of sounding melodramatic (which I am sure has already happened) I believe that very few of my friends, family, and other acquaintances know what I am really like. I keep that part of myself hidden, tucked carefully away, because in all honesty it is weird. Loud. Nerdy. Giggly. Worst of all, it is essential. It is my soul, it is my personality, and sometimes it hurts me not to share this essential piece of myself with the people whom I care about. And yet I keep it hidden. Reflecting on this aspect of my psyche caused me to realize that due to my social chameleon skills, I probably seem slightly different to each group of people I interact with. It also caused me to realize that I have a very vague idea of what my identity is and that I very closely relate my identity to how others see me since I crave the approval of others. I was curious to know how the people I interact with see me. So I asked them the question: what do you think of me? And recorded their responses in the hopes of discovering who I am.